Mommy Cusses by Serena Dorman & Paige Vickers

Author:Serena Dorman & Paige Vickers [Dorman, Serena & Vickers, Paige]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Chronicle Books LLC
Published: 2021-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

Yoga isn’t usually my thing, but there are times as a mother when I could really use some inner chill. Give me a soft mat and an hour or so to be in the horizontal position, meditating on the back of my eyelids. Here are five yoga poses for different situations you may find yourself in. Motherhood is fun. Hopefully you can find some zen instead of rage-screaming into a pillow.

DOWNWARD ASSHOLE

You made a rookie move and forgot to watch your step. Now your foot is throbbing, thanks to a Lego land mine. Stop dead in your tracks and take a deep breath of regret and hatred for an inanimate object. Allow each curse word to pass through your clenched teeth in a tense hiss as your child watches. Bend over while bringing the affected foot to your hands. Stand there fuming. And release.

MOTHER’S POSE

Oh no. You’re in public, and your child just curled into an immovable ball of outrage.

To diffuse a Rebellious Child’s Pose, you must counter it with Mother’s Pose. Stepping forward with one foot, allow your other knee to drop, placing you in a deep lunge. Imagine that your arms are a straitjacket, extend them in front of you, and grab your little tantrum-throwing a-hole. Give him a little squeeze, so he knows you mean business. This pose transitions into resistance training, as you speed-walk out of the store with a flailing pile of limbs under your arm like an angry football.

BEDTIME SALUTATIONS

You’ve just put your child to bed and successfully exited their room, dodging requests for more story time. As soon as you are out of eyesight, widen your stance. Now do a deep squat while simultaneously crossing your arms in front of you. Spring up into the standing position and spread your arms out wide. Now do a twirl like Maria from The Sound of Music and march over to the couch to binge-watch some much-deserved trash TV.

DOWNWARD SPIRAL

Your limit has been reached. Your fucks quota for the day is maxed out, but your more-than-capable-of-doing-so-themself child is hollering at you from the bathroom to wipe their butt. Suddenly, the floor is beginning to rise. Just let it happen. Now that you’re literally at your lowest point of the day, lie on your back and bring both your legs up into the air. Now just start helicoptering your legs around as you beat the ground with your fists. Toss your head from side to side. Go ahead and crumble to the ground. Thrash around until the third holler.

USTRESSMAMA

Oh, neat. You’re driving on a busy road, and your child has dropped something he’s deemed vital to his existence. He is now in the back seat signaling the coming of the apocalypse with pterodactyl-like shrieks.

While keeping your eyes on the road, and one hand on the steering wheel, you need to contort your body and lean as far back as you can. Reach your free arm behind your seat, and blindly swat around like a complete asshole. This is remarkably like fishing.

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